OUTLIVE:The Longevity Fitness Plan (for People Who Refuse to Die Politely)

What if the secret to living forever isn't discipline… but delusion? Welcome to Outlive: The Longevity Fitness Plan (for People Who Refuse to Die Politely) — a wildly funny, unapologetically absurd wellness guide from the mind of Dr. Zenon Vitalis, the self-proclaimed prophet of eternal hydration. In this satirical masterpiece, the doctor who once achieved "enlightenment on the toilet" reveals his revolutionary methods for outsmarting biology, gravity, and common sense. Through 30 hysterical chapters, he tackles the world's most overhyped obsessions — fasting, detoxing, yoga, mindfulness, dating, and immortality — with a perfectly straight face and a slightly cracked halo. Discover the secrets of: ?? Worshipping water as "The Holy Spirit of Cells." ?? Achieving eternal youth through celery and denial. ?? Mastering Yoga for Overthinkers and Soul Pilates™. ?? Escaping your phone while posting about it. ?? Politely refusing death (because timing is everything). Filled with witty "scientific" insights, illustrated absurdities, and dangerously relatable wisdom, Outlive is a laugh-out-loud parody of the modern wellness industry — and an oddly comforting reminder that maybe, just maybe, it's okay to be human. Perfect for fans of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*, The Onion, and Mark Manson meets Monty Python, this book will make you laugh, think, and question why you ever believed kale could save your soul. Because real immortality begins when you stop taking self-improvement too seriously. ? Perfect For: Readers who've tried every wellness trend and survived. Fans of satire, absurd humor, and "fake gurus with real confidence." Women who loved Hot Mess in Silk Pajamas and want to live forever (fashionably). Anyone who needs a good laugh — preferably before their next detox.