I'm Definitely Getting My Life Together

I own twenty-seven planners. I have finished zero. I've joined gyms in four different decades. I've downloaded and deleted the same meditation app seven times. There's kale in my refrigerator that's been there so long it's developed a personality. And every single January, I announce that THIS is the year everything changes. It never does. And yet, I keep trying. Welcome to "I'm Definitely Getting My Life Together"—a hilariously honest look at the gap between who we want to be and who we actually are (the person eating chips while watching YouTube videos about morning routines at 11 PM). In this laugh-out-loud guide to failing at self-improvement, Janet chronicles thirty years of optimistic attempts and spectacular abandonment. From the Franklin Planner era of the 1990s to the bullet journal obsession of the 2020s. From SlimFast shakes to Whole30 disasters. From Jazzercise leotards (we don't talk about those) to unused Peloton bikes. Inside you'll find: The Complete Planner Graveyard: An inventory of hope, featuring twenty-seven planners and the creative excuses for abandoning each one 365 Self-Improvement Attempts: A comprehensive list proving that buying a yoga mat is not the same as doing yoga The Kitchen Gadget Graveyard: Where the NutriBullet, spiralizer, and bread machine go to collect dust together Diet Culture Through the Decades: From SlimFast to keto, with detailed accounts of bread-related dreams Letters to My Future Self: Optimistic predictions from 2015, 2018, and 2022, with brutally honest updates What the Dog Thinks: Henry's perspective on his human's chaos (spoiler: he's judging us) A Day in the Life: Side-by-side comparison of the "ideal day" versus "what actually happens" (screen time: 6 hours 23 minutes) Steve's Survival Guide: Hard-won wisdom from a husband who has witnessed approximately 847 self-improvement journeys Plus: Self-Improvement Bingo, a quiz to discover your self-improver personality type, a financial autopsy totaling thirty years of aspirational purchases ($27,780—don't do this math), discussion questions for book clubs, and a certificate of participation you can frame and hang next to the vision board you forgot about. Featuring unhelpful commentary throughout from Steve, Janet's long-suffering husband who maintains that she doesn't need to improve at all (but she doesn't believe him because her brain is mean to her). This book won't help you get your life together. But it will help you realize that nobody has it together—not the Instagram people with the perfect pantries, not the 5 AM people with the green smoothies, not even the productivity gurus with the color-coded calendars. The trying is the point. The hoping. The believing you can be better, even when you're exactly who you've always been. That's not failure. That's being human. Perfect for anyone who has ever bought a gym membership in January, made a vision board they forgot by February, or googled