Dependency and Denial: The Stories That Divide Us

A denial of dependency is fundamental to crises not only in our most intimate relationships, but also within society at large. We are inextricably woven into the fabric of all things and depend entirely on what is outside of ourselves to survive. Whilst our union with the world and need for each other can feel nurturing and joyful, it also reawakens frightening feelings of dependency and powerlessness from the very earliest moments of our lives. To manage these disturbing feelings, we learn to ignore and deny them. Denial, however, demands a price. It sells us the stories we want to hear and, in exchange, asks that we hand over the parts of ourselves that are in need the most. In an exploration of interdependence, identity, and culture, psychotherapist Joseph Pawson examines the consequences of what happens when feelings of dependency are exiled from our awareness and excluded from cultural narratives. He illustrates how, as a result of this negation, we find ourselves behaving in ways in which we have little understanding or control. In our relationships, outbursts of anger, addiction, jealousy, and commitment issues all signal the presence of hidden feelings of vulnerability that exert their control from outside of our awareness. Pawson explores how the denial of our need for each other contributes to racism, inequality, misogyny, and the destruction of our environment.  Using stories from the therapy room and drawing on ideas from developmental, Jungian, and Buddhist psychologies, Pawson vividly captures the journey of reconnecting with our banished dependency. This process can heal more than our own interpersonal difficulties. In venturing into the dark places that our need for each other takes us, we can rediscover a profound interconnectedness. In learning to bear these most difficult feelings, we may just develop the courage to lift the veil of denial that shields us from being able to relate compassionately to the greatest sufferings of our times.