Love Me, But From Over There

ATTENTION, WALKING RED FLAG: Do you panic when someone texts, “I miss you”? Have you ghosted someone while still liking all their Instagram posts? Does the idea of an actual healthy relationship make you want to jump out of a moving vehicle? CONGRATULATIONS. YOU MAY BE ENTIRELY INCAPABLE OF LOVE. But don’t worry—this book is not here to fix you. Instead, it will celebrate your terrible dating habits with: A step-by-step guide to self-sabotaging any relationship before it gets serious. The “Should I Text Them Back?” flowchart (spoiler: you won’t). An exclusive Avoidant Attachment Bingo (check off “Lost interest the second they liked me back” and “Developed an existential crisis over a ‘Good morning’ text”). Tactical escape routes for when someone actually wants commitment (options include moving to another city overnight and faking a sudden spiritual journey). This book will NOT help you become emotionally available. It will NOT guide you toward a loving, fulfilling relationship. But it WILL make you laugh at your own dysfunction while you continue ruining every romantic opportunity life gives you. For entertainment purposes only. If you actually follow this book’s advice, you should be legally required to carry a warning label.