Red Card United

This audiobook is narrated by a digital voice. When down-on-his-luck businessman Gary Hardwick is handed the chairmanship of South Wessex Rovers, a struggling lower-league football club with all the bite of a sedated hamster, he quickly realises two things: They are absolutely rubbish. He has absolutely no money to make them less rubbish. Faced with the club’s impending relegation (and an angry supporters’ trust that still hasn’t forgiven him for sacking the tea lady), Gary concocts a bold—some might say criminal—plan. If he can’t afford silky-skilled superstars, he’ll settle for sheer terror. Enter his new recruits: a band of recently released ex-convicts with more experience in prison yard brawls than penalty shootouts. His logic is simple. If they can't win with talent, they'll win by making the opposition too scared to play. But as the red cards stack up, the fans start chanting "LOCK 'EM UP!" unironically, and a particularly psychotic centre-back develops an unsettling interest in the referee's kneecaps, Gary starts to wonder if he’s made a huge mistake. With relegation looming, the police keeping a suspiciously close eye on the dugout, and his goalkeeper currently tagged and on parole, can Gary keep his team on the pitch long enough to actually win a match? Or will South Wessex Rovers go down in history—for all the wrong reasons? A darkly hilarious satire of football, redemption, and the fine line between tactical aggression and outright assault.