Secrets: A Story of Addiction, Grief & Healing

When a child dies, no matter what the cause, grief can be paralyzing, overwhelming. However, with an overdose death, the stigma attached to addiction often induces emotions that a grieving parent should not have to experience. Guilt, remorse, self-recrimination, and shame. Currently, our society generally induces a measure of shame, stigmatizing those struggling with addiction, having a rippling effect upon families. Slowly however, I came to realize it is possible to survive heartrending loss such as this. During this process I did what writers do. I threw myself into writing, and began journaling in an effort to process and better understand the "why's and how's" and a way to stop dwelling on the "what if's." Over the next several months, a story unfolded as I blended Sarah's words with my own using her journals. Unaware at the time this was the beginning of my journey toward a measure of healing. I was determined to be completely transparent in sharing our story. Secrets: A Story of Addiction, Grief & Healing was released less than a year after Sarah's death. Society is quick to formulate judgments toward those struggling with addiction. However, is addiction a choice? Is mental illness a choice? Everyone's story is different. I can only share mine and how our family was affected. The effects of addiction ripple out, washing over everyone in some manner or form. Like many, I originally thought substance use was a choice, a deficit in one's moral code, a weakness that one should be able to control. Why must tragedy occur to inspire illumination? Addiction is complex and those who struggle with it usually face other mental health challenges too. They struggle with loss, loneliness, pain, and emptiness. They long for fulfillment. They feel misunderstood, misjudged, stigmatized, unloved. These voids must be filled. The human spirit demands it. Society is quick to formulate judgments toward those struggling with addiction. However, is addiction a choice? Is mental illness a choice? Everyone’s story is different. I can only share mine. The effects of addiction ripple out, washing over everyone in some manner or form. Like many, I originally thought substance use was a choice, a deficit in one’s moral code, a weakness that one should be able to control. Why must tragedy occur to inspire illumination? As I began to write, my inner eye became focused, intent on rediscovering Sarah. The Sarah I knew as a child had long ago morphed into an adult I did not recognize or understand. I blamed myself. Where did I go wrong? In how many ways did we fail her as her parents? I wanted to understand. Will sharing my story allow others to more easily identify the symptoms of addiction and to recognize addiction as a disease? I hope so. That is why I am breaking the silence, using Sarah’s voice, as well as my own with a clear objective: To de-stigmatize addiction. Can we work towards removing the fear and the terrifying stigmatization attached to addiction and try something different? Let us direct positive energies toward these struggling souls. Rather than projecting fear and judgment, what would happen if society projected understanding, empathy, compassion, and acceptance? Acceptance that they have an illness, not just addiction, but often, buried beneath the surface, acute sadness, and unresolved conflict. As society begins to remove the stigma of addiction, boundaries to seeking recovery will lessen, improving the odds of recovery, decreasing the risk of death by overdose. Sarah’s death must not be an ending—let it be a beg