Stop, You're Killing Me!

Stop, You're Killing Me! by Darius John Granger - As a private eye I get a lot of screwballcases, but nothing to match my own; my wife and kid trying to kill me—and neither aware of it! It's funny how a silly little habit can save your life. I got into the car that morning and was thinking of nothing in particular—except maybe the cases I hoped to be getting downtown in my one man private dick office. We live at the top of the city's highest hill, my wife and our son Sam, who's seventeen, and myself. At least it's the highest hill in the residential district and the highest one I know of. So out of habit I patted the brakes to test them as the car began to roll down the slight incline of the driveway. The brakes didn't hold. Had I started down Jackson Hill, down the long half mile slope which levels off at the busy intersection of MacArthur and Houston Avenues, I'd have streaked through the intersection out of control. I don't know what the odds for survival are in such a circumstance, but I'd hate to have to test them. As it was, I shook my head in surprise and pulled the handbrake, bringing the Olds to a stop at the foot of the driveway. I climbed out and bent down to take a look at the right front wheel. In a few seconds I knew what the trouble was. Brake fluid. There wasn't any. But that didn't make sense because I'd had the car—brakes included—overhauled only last week. Which meant someone had drained the brake fluid from the Olds. I checked the other front wheel and it was the same. No brake fluid. I sat there in the car for a few minutes smoking a cigarette before I went into the house to call the local service station and have them tow the Olds in. It was the third time in less than a month that someone had tried to kill me.