Cop Lives Probably Matter

The world's worst life coach meets London's most clueless cop in a twisted comedy crime tale of heists, hitmen, and murder. Cuthbert Huntsman is a bankrupt barfly who thinks he's wiser than Jordan Peterson and Deepak Chopra combined, but isn't. After getting imprisoned for breaking into his own home, Cuthbert takes vengeance on the police by writing the most insultingly anti-cop crime novel in history. Unfortunately, the prison's creative writing tutor just wants him to arrange a hit on her husband. Cuthbert has never understood why criminals are always painted as the bad guys, and the police are misrepresented as honest, decent, and heroic, so his story of a randy, cross-dressing, dishonest detective hunting a serial killer targeting bent cops takes no prisoners. But Cuthbert's comedy crime tale is only half the story. Each chapter is sandwiched between a prison diary cataloguing the increasingly fraught relationship between him and his posh creative writing tutor, Naomi. When she's not writing a baking blog, or spoiling her children, Gethsemane and Innsbruck, she devotes herself to redeeming prisoners, and plotting the assassination of her husband, Roly, who's having it away with their marriage guidance counsellor. When Cuthbert is finally released from prison, crime and reality converge as Naomi's assassination plot climaxes at her organic soup group. This breathlessly bonkers romp satirises Line of Duty and The Shield in the irreverent style of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Police Academy and possibly even South Park.